3 reasons why it hurts when you're left out (and how to feel better)

Being left out hurts. It feels like you’re sixteen again. You ask yourself, ‘Why wasn’t I invited? Was it something I said? Something I did, or didn’t do?’ You go back and forth between blaming yourself, and then accusing your snubber of being a horrible human. ‘Who do they think they are? Pretentious ****! 

Why does being left out bring up so many strong emotions? From sadness, to shame to blind rage– we can feel it all. Let’s have a closer look at why rejection can feel like a kick in the teeth– and how it doesn’t have to.

1. We're hard-wired to feel pain when we've been rejected.

In the old hunting and gathering days, being left out of the tribe could literally mean death. Surviving depended on being part of a tight-knit community. If you were turned out, it wouldn’t be long before a saber tooth sunk its teeth into you. Or you’d freeze to death, or die of starvation. Times may have changed, but our brains are still mostly the same. That’s why you feel pain and all kinds of negative emotions when you’ve been left out. The pain is like a notification. ‘Hey. You might want to share your portion of the day’s hunt with the clan member who’s got beef with you.’ The pain is telling you to change your course of action fast. 

How to feel better: The next time you feel like the world is ending when you’ve been left off the invite list- go easy on yourself. Just think, it’s your old wiring kicking in.

2. It can reinforce the idea that you're 'not good enough'.

A lot of us have picked up some beliefs about ourselves that aren’t very nice. In fact, ‘I’m not good enough,’ is a super common limiting belief that people have about themselves. Usually, you pick up a belief like that in childhood, and then it gets reinforced over and over again. So ‘I’m not good enough’ carries a lot of baggage. 

When your friend has invited everyone in your group of mates to the wedding except for you, the belief, ‘I’m not good enough,’ might get triggered. And all those emotions you’ve ever felt around the thought come rolling in with it. 

How to feel better: Push back against the negative thoughts. In a journal, divide a page into two columns. Label them: THOUGHTS, PUSH BACK. Write all the negative thoughts you have after being left out in the left column. Push back against each thought. Ask yourself, ‘Is it really true? Can I prove the opposite?’ Put every negative thought on trial.  

3. It feels like it's only happening to us.

As adults, we don’t really talk about being left out. But it happens all the time. Whether it’s a friend’s wedding, a book club, or a neighbor’s BBQ–so many of us feel the sting of being left off the invite list. We’re thrown into countless scenarios where we have to mix and mingle with people from all walks of life. So it’s no wonder that at some point we will all be left out in our adulting years. Maybe we don’t talk about it because we feel embarrassed. Because we think, ‘I should be past this stage.’ We try to push down our emotions. But ignoring them only makes things worse.

How to feel better: Instead of pushing your feelings down, write about them. Acknowledge and accept that they’re there. It’s OK to feel sad, lonely or embarrassed. Give yourself a chance to process the feelings by writing them out, or by speaking to a friend or an expert who can support you.

It’s hard to feel like the odd one out. Social snubs can trigger old insecurities, and make us feel like there’s something wrong with us. I’ll say it again: you’re not alone. You’re not the only adult who’s been excluded, and who feels down about it. Maybe if we have more honest conversations with each other about being left out, then we would all feel a little less alone, and a little more connected. 

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