4 myths about friendship

What does a good friendship look like to you? Do you think of Monica and Rachel from the show ‘Friends’? A tight-knit group who always hangs out (and somehow still have jobs?). In the real world, maintaining a friendship is a little more complicated, especially after your twenties. You might commute long distances into work, or maybe you live across town from your friends which makes it hard to meet up as often.  Still, so many of us have unrealistic expectations about friendship, which sets us up for disappointment. So let’s squash these unhelpful beliefs by looking at some common myths.

Myth 1: Friendships just happen.

Like any relationship, friendships take work. You might be past the days of finding friends in your lecture hall or across your dorm room. If you’ve got children, a husband, a job, and a mortgage, you’ll know that life can feel like a balancing act. It might be the case that you’ve moved to a different country and live far away from friends. The truth is that it takes effort to stay in touch. We all seem to know that romantic relationships require regular maintenance, but we don’t always apply that same principle to friendships. And yet—friends are key relationships that we carry with us throughout our lives. The bottom line is that you’ve got to make time to nurture friendships that matter to you, or else they fall by the wayside.

Myth 2: Friendships last forever.

People change over the course of a lifetime. Think about how much you may have changed in the last five years alone. You might have moved, picked up different views and opinions, and found that some of your friendships fizzled out because you just don’t have that much in common anymore. It’s completely normal for friendships to change because we are not static beings. Embrace this exciting reality that you and your friends are growing as individuals. If that means the relationship peters out, mourn its loss, but also know that growth is a natural part of being human.

Myth 3: A friend should always be on my side.

Loyalty is a quality most of us value in a friendship. But loyalty at all cost is unrealistic and can even be toxic. Every person (including yourself) will have their own values, opinions, and moral codes. If a friend breaks one of those key values, then it would be dishonest to pretend that you support them. Let’s say that your friend was cheating on her husband, and fidelity is an important value of yours. It doesn’t follow that you take her side, just because you’re friends.

Myth 4: There’s an ideal kind of friendship.

What’s the image that pops into your head when you think of friends? Is it a super intimate, high-contact relationship like Rachel and Monica’s, or Chandler and Joey’s from the show Friends? You wouldn’t be the first person who thinks of these TV friendships as an ideal. But friendships come in all shapes and sizes. Some of our friends will be those of convenience, others are our BFFs. We bond with people who are going through the same life milestones. There’s not a single model for what a friendship should look like and the sooner you let go of an ideal picture, the better you’ll feel in your relationships.

Friendships are so important to our wellbeing. When we feel connected to the people around us, then we’re in a better place both physically and mentally. But we can self-sabotage our relationships because of our unrealistic expectations. It’s time to think about how we want to show up for the people who matter most to us. What kind of a friend do you want to be? The best way to build up your friendship skills is by practicing how to be a better friend to yourself. 

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